"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." --Marilyn Monroe
Although I've moved on with my life, I'm still at the point where I need to reiterate to myself that it was him, not me. He was the one who made the choice, and the split was because of HIM and his shortcomings with not being able to deal with problems and commit, not me. He couldn't handle the woman that I am -- although he kept coming back for more :-)
Monday, May 14, 2012
It's been awhile ....
So much crap, and so long since I've been here .... I'm gonna have to go back and read all of this to see how totally fucked up I really was over Jerk Face.
Anyway, it must be divine providence or something, because I've really been feeling like I need to start writing again ... Either that, or go back to therapy. That's where I was right after my last post :-). Just so much going on since then, and now I need to start to get it all straight in my head. This is gonna be good
Anyway, it must be divine providence or something, because I've really been feeling like I need to start writing again ... Either that, or go back to therapy. That's where I was right after my last post :-). Just so much going on since then, and now I need to start to get it all straight in my head. This is gonna be good
Sunday, December 25, 2011
I don't think I'm ready
Thinking about the online dating thing, and when all I do is compare to you-know-who, it's not fair to someone new.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
I wish ....
That I could figure out how to get to sleep, and sleep well. Haven't been able to since we were in the same bed, and it's been almost 6 months.
That I could figure out how to stop thinking about him all the time. I want to - really. I just can't.
That I could figure out how to start dating. I don't want to. It feels like I would be disloyal to myself, knowing how I feel. I miss having someone around, but that's not a reason to go out with someone.
My body would stop wanting him. It's annoying sometimes. How can just a thought of him make me react?
That I could figure out how to stop thinking about him all the time. I want to - really. I just can't.
That I could figure out how to start dating. I don't want to. It feels like I would be disloyal to myself, knowing how I feel. I miss having someone around, but that's not a reason to go out with someone.
My body would stop wanting him. It's annoying sometimes. How can just a thought of him make me react?
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
It was a birthday .....
I always thought 40 would be a little more of a big thing .... maybe a beach celebration in a tropical locale, or a surprise party with 100 of my closest friends thrown by someone special. The stars just weren't in alignment or something this year so I grabbed a salad from the grocery store and ate dinner with the pups in front of the fire.
In 40 years, the most important thing I've learned that you can never take anything for granted, and even when you have amazing family and friends, you have to take care of yourself first. So I spent the day off of work sleeping in a little, playing with my dogs in the yard, doing a little laundry, running errands, and spending some 'me' time. Honestly, it was a little lonely, but I think it was just what I needed right now :-) I'm sure the next 40 years will be as much, if not more, of an adventure as the first.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
In 40 years, the most important thing I've learned that you can never take anything for granted, and even when you have amazing family and friends, you have to take care of yourself first. So I spent the day off of work sleeping in a little, playing with my dogs in the yard, doing a little laundry, running errands, and spending some 'me' time. Honestly, it was a little lonely, but I think it was just what I needed right now :-) I'm sure the next 40 years will be as much, if not more, of an adventure as the first.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, December 12, 2011
The Big 4-0
Not as big as I'd secretly hoped it would be. In fact, a little lonely. That's ok though, since I'll probably be getting used to it.
I look back, and I accomplished the losing weight, the getting a job, and the feeling better about myself before I hit this day. Go me! Yay! Then there's the whole being in a meaningful relationship thing.
I struggle with that. I want to be with someone ... But I don't want to date anyone who's not him. I predict I get super-bored over the holidays and start searching on Match. That makes me scared.
I look back, and I accomplished the losing weight, the getting a job, and the feeling better about myself before I hit this day. Go me! Yay! Then there's the whole being in a meaningful relationship thing.
I struggle with that. I want to be with someone ... But I don't want to date anyone who's not him. I predict I get super-bored over the holidays and start searching on Match. That makes me scared.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
It's been crappy
I haven't been this bad in a long, long time. Panic attacks, crying, doing stupid things and writing stupid emails. It's gotta end NOW.
Had my bankruptcy hearing today, so that will be done in 90 days. But gotta love TopGun .... Wants the car back, like next week. Is this some kind of last power play? Gotta put on my big girl panties and deal with it.
I'm so fortunate I have amazing friends. I feel so uncomfortable asking them for anything, but everyone is willing to help. Does that mean I'm pathetic, or that I have lots of people who love me?
Had my bankruptcy hearing today, so that will be done in 90 days. But gotta love TopGun .... Wants the car back, like next week. Is this some kind of last power play? Gotta put on my big girl panties and deal with it.
I'm so fortunate I have amazing friends. I feel so uncomfortable asking them for anything, but everyone is willing to help. Does that mean I'm pathetic, or that I have lots of people who love me?
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Once Again
It's just one of those days. I want to have a day where he's not the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing at night ... and every other minute in between. I really try to not think about him.
I want to be able to move on, but I'm not sure now to do it when all I still want is him.
I know it will come eventually, but the hard part is that I know he's working on it, and I'm not. I just don't want to, yet I really want someone in my life - but if it's not him, then I don't want that. I really just want intimacy.
On the other hand, I had someone offer to be a "buddy" if I ever needed company. That was surprising - but the really surprising part is that I actually considered it.
I want to be able to move on, but I'm not sure now to do it when all I still want is him.
I know it will come eventually, but the hard part is that I know he's working on it, and I'm not. I just don't want to, yet I really want someone in my life - but if it's not him, then I don't want that. I really just want intimacy.
On the other hand, I had someone offer to be a "buddy" if I ever needed company. That was surprising - but the really surprising part is that I actually considered it.
