It's been awhile ....

So much crap, and so long since I've been here .... I'm gonna have to go back and read all of this to see how totally fucked up I really was over Jerk Face.

Anyway, it must be divine providence or something, because I've really been feeling like I need to start writing again ... Either that, or go back to therapy. That's where I was right after my last post :-). Just so much going on since then, and now I need to start to get it all straight in my head. This is gonna be good

Just one of those days

When it feels like the world is out to get me, and I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I miss someone so bad it hurts, and I wish I had him around to talk to, or just be here. And not just anyone - but him. And a bad day at work - must be the almost full moon. That, or the fact I forgot to take a pill last night. Who knows, but I start to think when that happens. Probably bad that the meds make life bearable, but I do what I have to, right? They make me not feel, which isn't good, but it's definitely not bad. And then as I'm outside, I see planes flying overhead, and I want to be up there so bad I can taste it - but not just with anyone. When will this get easier? I thought it would start to happen, but it hasn't.

Ok, got that out. Needed that.

Quote of the Day 10/8/11

"The only way to live happily ever after is to do it one day at a time."
--Unknown

I guess I'm practical that way - at least for now. Sure, I have short and long term goals (if anyone would have ever thought enough to ask or even care about them), but I've been thrust into this living day by day mentality, mostly in order to keep my sanity :-)

Good day today

Maybe this is the start of more good days than bad? I really think that having done this whole break up thing once before, it would be easier this time. I know I can do it - all it takes is time.

Quote of the Day, 10/5/11

“If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.”
— Unknown

Not sure when I'll get to this point, but I'm sure I will eventually.

When will it change?

Why is he the first thing I think about whenever I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep? And sometimes he even invades my dreams.

If it's my status on Facebook, it must be true.

I've finally updated my status on Facebook, so I guess I must be single. Honestly, I've known for a long time, but selfishly didn't want to admit.

So what does it mean? Just that I'm open to going out and having a blast, and loving my life for what it is.

As a matter of fact, I think I got set up on a date with someone for this weekend :-)

Crappy Reason #206

When you don't deal well with the sight of your own blood, and you cut yourself pretty bad on cheap Ikea furniture.

Sucks, especially when you get light-headed and need to keel over, but also have to manage to try to find a bandage and not drip blood all over the kitchen.

Lesson learned: Don't cut yourself.

Boy, do I sound bitter ...

Really, I'm not. I'm just working through this all. It sucks. But I'm stronger than I sound. Sometimes I question myself, and wonder what it is about me. Other times I just get angry and want to move on. Then it hits me square in the chest, and I can't breathe. Seriously, why do men leave me? I think I'm a pretty straight-forward, no drama kind of person. I'm smart, I'm capable, and I'm not terrible. Damn, that sounded all Jack Handy-ish. Sure, I have baggage, but I'm not a bad person, and it shouldn't be this hard to find someone to share my life with. All I want is someone to take care of, and who'll take care of me - and want me for who I am. Is this when I say that I miss what I had?

Yet, I've determined that I'm open to moving on, whatever that means right now. Why waste all this emotional and mental time on something I know is never, ever going to come back? I'm just going to live each day for what it is, and what it brings. Past experience has shown me that hoping and planning ahead doesn't accomplish crap. Hope is dead - living for the moment is all I have.

Am I turning a corner?

Or hitting a wall? Sometimes I'm not sure. Am I really working through this all, or am I just not processing it and filling my days with "fluff?" Is it the meds, or am I really starting to deal with it?

Quote of the Day, 9/5/11

"It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel." --Unknown

I think this is the story of my life the last few months. Even though he says he still loves me, and I believe him, the hurt is unbearable that he's moving away and I'm not going to share his life with him, sleep in his bed with him, help him organize his new home, get excited about setting up a new life with him. I understand why he's leaving, but it literally takes my breath away and I feel faint at the thought of him doing all this alone, or with someone else.

Ok, I'm really back!

So, it's been a tough last 6 months. I'll get to that later. As far as Project 40, the stress diet is working really good. My new favorite (single) hobby is shopping. Ok, not that I didn't do it before, but clothes fit wonderfully now. I've found a whole new confidence (that was really always there, but hid from me for a little while).

And I also have a job to dress for.
And I also have a house to shop for.
And I no longer have a significant other to cook for.

So, I'm almost 40, and where am I? Aside from being more depressed and anxious and panicky than I've ever been in my life (not even when I was going through my divorce was I this bad), I guess all I have to say is that I look good, and I have a great job - that hopefully I'll not screw up because I literally can't get out of bed or focus on.

Well, maybe I can get a box unpacked tonight, since I've been in here a month and I haven't done anything other than exist in here. Heartbreak is devastating - and I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time.

Nervousness

So I've never been good with mothers - not even really my own, although that's getting better the older I've gotten. I don't know why this is. Maybe because I've always been more comfortable with males. Or that the females I tend to gravitate to are more of the "lets go have a beer and shoot the shit" than the "let's go get a manicure, hit some boutiques, and have a glass of wine." That's just not the kind of girl I am ... I don't like all the cattiness, the need for frou-frou conversation, the gossiping/whispering/one-upping each other that most women seem to love. I just don't have the time or the energy for that. I like to do my own thing.

So that leads me to my (huge) nervousness about this weekend. TopGun is dropping me off at his mom's place while he goes and flies circles over west Texas somewhere. I have two whole days to spend with her, and while I'd never tell him how scared I was, I'M TERRIFIED!

It's probably a combination of making sure I don't screw anything up and having her hate me for some reason, but it's also the thought of (1) getting asked questions I don't know or don't want to answer, and being caught in a situation I don't want to be in (although I'd like to think I'm smarter than that) and (2) having lots of uncomfortable silences.

Oh, I know I'll probably have fun - it's a great place to spend the weekend, and I need to just relax and let things play out however they will. My past history keeps creeping into this, though. The ex said one of the things about me was that I didn't like his mother (which was TOTALLY not true, by the way), but I guess I just didn't show it in the right way. Like I said, I just don't do well with other women - it's got to be a learned skill - is there a class I can take? I just don't know how to talk to them in the small talk way, especially when they belong to someone important in my life. I seem to know how to talk to everyone else.

Anyhoo ... I'm going to try my best, and I'll let you know later how things played out. Hopefully lots of golf, riding around in the cart, sitting in the sun, reading, and some good conversation ...