It's been awhile ....

So much crap, and so long since I've been here .... I'm gonna have to go back and read all of this to see how totally fucked up I really was over Jerk Face.

Anyway, it must be divine providence or something, because I've really been feeling like I need to start writing again ... Either that, or go back to therapy. That's where I was right after my last post :-). Just so much going on since then, and now I need to start to get it all straight in my head. This is gonna be good

Just one of those days

When it feels like the world is out to get me, and I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I miss someone so bad it hurts, and I wish I had him around to talk to, or just be here. And not just anyone - but him. And a bad day at work - must be the almost full moon. That, or the fact I forgot to take a pill last night. Who knows, but I start to think when that happens. Probably bad that the meds make life bearable, but I do what I have to, right? They make me not feel, which isn't good, but it's definitely not bad. And then as I'm outside, I see planes flying overhead, and I want to be up there so bad I can taste it - but not just with anyone. When will this get easier? I thought it would start to happen, but it hasn't.

Ok, got that out. Needed that.

Surreal

It's been a strange couple of days. I'm really excited about tomorrow.

Good day today

Maybe this is the start of more good days than bad? I really think that having done this whole break up thing once before, it would be easier this time. I know I can do it - all it takes is time.

Hard day today

It was his birthday.

Quote of the Day, 10/5/11

“If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.”
— Unknown

Not sure when I'll get to this point, but I'm sure I will eventually.

When will it change?

Why is he the first thing I think about whenever I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep? And sometimes he even invades my dreams.

I think I've been spoiled ....

Or else my standards are too high. I know after a recent experience that I need to be with someone I can have an intellectually stimulating conversation with (in addition to a significant number of other qualifications). I truly think that after the last three years, I've been ruined - I'm going to expect discussions and questions and conversations like I'd been having. He set a SUPER high bar to measure up to, and honestly, I enjoyed it.

Interesting conversations

When you get three people together who've been divorced, or had their hearts stomped on .....

Just eye-opening to get other people's perspective. I kept thinking about what I did in my past relationships, and realized that there are others out there who have the same ideas I do about stuff like this - that relationships take work, and couples are there for each other through the ups and downs - and most importantly, that I am who I am, and regardless if the past, there's someone out there who will want me for the person I am.

Crappy Reason #63

Sleeping alone.

That is the ONE thing I miss the absolute most. I hate being in bed alone - no, not for THAT reason, but just because it's reassuring having someone next to you. I haven't slept well in months. It's just easiest to exhaust myself so that when I do go to bed, I fall asleep as soon as possible. I slept on the couch for a few weeks because I couldn't stand having a whole bed to myself.

Lesson Learned: While dogs are no substitute for a warm body, they certainly help, and dog hair can be vacuumed up.

If it's my status on Facebook, it must be true.

I've finally updated my status on Facebook, so I guess I must be single. Honestly, I've known for a long time, but selfishly didn't want to admit.

So what does it mean? Just that I'm open to going out and having a blast, and loving my life for what it is.

As a matter of fact, I think I got set up on a date with someone for this weekend :-)

Boy, do I sound bitter ...

Really, I'm not. I'm just working through this all. It sucks. But I'm stronger than I sound. Sometimes I question myself, and wonder what it is about me. Other times I just get angry and want to move on. Then it hits me square in the chest, and I can't breathe. Seriously, why do men leave me? I think I'm a pretty straight-forward, no drama kind of person. I'm smart, I'm capable, and I'm not terrible. Damn, that sounded all Jack Handy-ish. Sure, I have baggage, but I'm not a bad person, and it shouldn't be this hard to find someone to share my life with. All I want is someone to take care of, and who'll take care of me - and want me for who I am. Is this when I say that I miss what I had?

Yet, I've determined that I'm open to moving on, whatever that means right now. Why waste all this emotional and mental time on something I know is never, ever going to come back? I'm just going to live each day for what it is, and what it brings. Past experience has shown me that hoping and planning ahead doesn't accomplish crap. Hope is dead - living for the moment is all I have.

So nice ....

When the man you spent over three years of your life with just up and moves. Not really even any goodbye. I mean really, was he going to tell me? Don't I deserve the respect of at least a goodbye? Am I ever going to see you again? I thought we had just a little more than that. Guess I was wrong. I guess I didn't deserve that respect in his eyes. Pretty damn disappointing.

Am I turning a corner?

Or hitting a wall? Sometimes I'm not sure. Am I really working through this all, or am I just not processing it and filling my days with "fluff?" Is it the meds, or am I really starting to deal with it?

Quote of the Day, 9/5/11

"It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel." --Unknown

I think this is the story of my life the last few months. Even though he says he still loves me, and I believe him, the hurt is unbearable that he's moving away and I'm not going to share his life with him, sleep in his bed with him, help him organize his new home, get excited about setting up a new life with him. I understand why he's leaving, but it literally takes my breath away and I feel faint at the thought of him doing all this alone, or with someone else.

Ok, I'm really back!

So, it's been a tough last 6 months. I'll get to that later. As far as Project 40, the stress diet is working really good. My new favorite (single) hobby is shopping. Ok, not that I didn't do it before, but clothes fit wonderfully now. I've found a whole new confidence (that was really always there, but hid from me for a little while).

And I also have a job to dress for.
And I also have a house to shop for.
And I no longer have a significant other to cook for.

So, I'm almost 40, and where am I? Aside from being more depressed and anxious and panicky than I've ever been in my life (not even when I was going through my divorce was I this bad), I guess all I have to say is that I look good, and I have a great job - that hopefully I'll not screw up because I literally can't get out of bed or focus on.

Well, maybe I can get a box unpacked tonight, since I've been in here a month and I haven't done anything other than exist in here. Heartbreak is devastating - and I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time.

I'm back!

I figured now that the whole "it's cool to be a blogger" thing is pretty much done, I'll start up again.

I have one main reason for doing this, and I'm planning on calling it .... get this .... you're gonna love it ...... I think it's hokey, but I had to do something to get me motivated ...... Project 40!

Yeah, yeah, I'm turning 40 this year. I have about 9 months to get my sorry-ass life back in shape (ok, my sorry ass body and my sorry ass life). I figure - I could either have a baby in that time (NOT gonna happen), or spend it doing something more productive, like take care of myself and enjoy every minute of it :-) And yes, I know that once I actually get myself in shape and start to take care of myself, and make enough money to be able to support myself again (long story - damn, it's been along time since I've talked about my life), that TopGun is going to drop me like a hot rock, but I guess I need to do it anyway - this is all about me. If he actually decides to stay with me, it would be a positive - but I don't count on it - I think he's already mentally checked out of the relationship .....

Oh well ... until next time ....