Quote for Today 5/13/12

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." --Marilyn Monroe

Although I've moved on with my life, I'm still at the point where I need to reiterate to myself that it was him, not me. He was the one who made the choice, and the split was because of HIM and his shortcomings with not being able to deal with problems and commit, not me. He couldn't handle the woman that I am -- although he kept coming back for more :-)

It's been awhile ....

So much crap, and so long since I've been here .... I'm gonna have to go back and read all of this to see how totally fucked up I really was over Jerk Face.

Anyway, it must be divine providence or something, because I've really been feeling like I need to start writing again ... Either that, or go back to therapy. That's where I was right after my last post :-). Just so much going on since then, and now I need to start to get it all straight in my head. This is gonna be good

I don't think I'm ready

Thinking about the online dating thing, and when all I do is compare to you-know-who, it's not fair to someone new.

I wish ....

That I could figure out how to get to sleep, and sleep well. Haven't been able to since we were in the same bed, and it's been almost 6 months.

That I could figure out how to stop thinking about him all the time. I want to - really. I just can't.

That I could figure out how to start dating. I don't want to. It feels like I would be disloyal to myself, knowing how I feel. I miss having someone around, but that's not a reason to go out with someone.

My body would stop wanting him. It's annoying sometimes. How can just a thought of him make me react?

It was a birthday .....

I always thought 40 would be a little more of a big thing .... maybe a beach celebration in a tropical locale, or a surprise party with 100 of my closest friends thrown by someone special. The stars just weren't in alignment or something this year so I grabbed a salad from the grocery store and ate dinner with the pups in front of the fire.

In 40 years, the most important thing I've learned that you can never take anything for granted, and even when you have amazing family and friends, you have to take care of yourself first. So I spent the day off of work sleeping in a little, playing with my dogs in the yard, doing a little laundry, running errands, and spending some 'me' time. Honestly, it was a little lonely, but I think it was just what I needed right now :-) I'm sure the next 40 years will be as much, if not more, of an adventure as the first.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Big 4-0

Not as big as I'd secretly hoped it would be. In fact, a little lonely. That's ok though, since I'll probably be getting used to it.

I look back, and I accomplished the losing weight, the getting a job, and the feeling better about myself before I hit this day. Go me! Yay! Then there's the whole being in a meaningful relationship thing.

I struggle with that. I want to be with someone ... But I don't want to date anyone who's not him. I predict I get super-bored over the holidays and start searching on Match. That makes me scared.

It's been crappy

I haven't been this bad in a long, long time. Panic attacks, crying, doing stupid things and writing stupid emails. It's gotta end NOW.

Had my bankruptcy hearing today, so that will be done in 90 days. But gotta love TopGun .... Wants the car back, like next week. Is this some kind of last power play? Gotta put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

I'm so fortunate I have amazing friends. I feel so uncomfortable asking them for anything, but everyone is willing to help. Does that mean I'm pathetic, or that I have lots of people who love me?

Once Again

It's just one of those days.  I want to have a day where he's not the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing at night ... and every other minute in between.  I really try to not think about him.
I want to be able to move on, but I'm not sure now to do it when all I still want is him.
I know it will come eventually, but the hard part is that I know he's working on it, and I'm not. I just don't want to, yet I really want someone in my life - but if it's not him, then I don't want that. I really just want intimacy.

On the other hand, I had someone offer to be a "buddy" if I ever needed company.  That was surprising - but the really surprising part is that I actually considered it.

I almost forgot

How much music and lyrics play an important part in my life.

Just one of those days

When it feels like the world is out to get me, and I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I miss someone so bad it hurts, and I wish I had him around to talk to, or just be here. And not just anyone - but him. And a bad day at work - must be the almost full moon. That, or the fact I forgot to take a pill last night. Who knows, but I start to think when that happens. Probably bad that the meds make life bearable, but I do what I have to, right? They make me not feel, which isn't good, but it's definitely not bad. And then as I'm outside, I see planes flying overhead, and I want to be up there so bad I can taste it - but not just with anyone. When will this get easier? I thought it would start to happen, but it hasn't.

Ok, got that out. Needed that.

Fred of the Day, 10/18/11

She was cold :-)

Surreal

It's been a strange couple of days. I'm really excited about tomorrow.

Fred of the Day, 10/8/11

Ok, not Fred, but a good picture of the Barney-monster eyeing up the little snack dogs running around next door.

Quote of the Day 10/8/11

"The only way to live happily ever after is to do it one day at a time."
--Unknown

I guess I'm practical that way - at least for now. Sure, I have short and long term goals (if anyone would have ever thought enough to ask or even care about them), but I've been thrust into this living day by day mentality, mostly in order to keep my sanity :-)

Good day today

Maybe this is the start of more good days than bad? I really think that having done this whole break up thing once before, it would be easier this time. I know I can do it - all it takes is time.

Hard day today

It was his birthday.

Quote of the Day, 10/5/11

“If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.”
— Unknown

Not sure when I'll get to this point, but I'm sure I will eventually.

When will it change?

Why is he the first thing I think about whenever I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep? And sometimes he even invades my dreams.

I think I've been spoiled ....

Or else my standards are too high. I know after a recent experience that I need to be with someone I can have an intellectually stimulating conversation with (in addition to a significant number of other qualifications). I truly think that after the last three years, I've been ruined - I'm going to expect discussions and questions and conversations like I'd been having. He set a SUPER high bar to measure up to, and honestly, I enjoyed it.

Fred of the Day 10/2/11

Got a new camera (finally). This is one of the first shots, straight out of the camera. It's really a good camera - now all I have to do is get some good photo editing software (a computer that worked would probably help, too), and I'll be all set!