It's been crappy

I haven't been this bad in a long, long time. Panic attacks, crying, doing stupid things and writing stupid emails. It's gotta end NOW.

Had my bankruptcy hearing today, so that will be done in 90 days. But gotta love TopGun .... Wants the car back, like next week. Is this some kind of last power play? Gotta put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

I'm so fortunate I have amazing friends. I feel so uncomfortable asking them for anything, but everyone is willing to help. Does that mean I'm pathetic, or that I have lots of people who love me?

Once Again

It's just one of those days.  I want to have a day where he's not the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing at night ... and every other minute in between.  I really try to not think about him.
I want to be able to move on, but I'm not sure now to do it when all I still want is him.
I know it will come eventually, but the hard part is that I know he's working on it, and I'm not. I just don't want to, yet I really want someone in my life - but if it's not him, then I don't want that. I really just want intimacy.

On the other hand, I had someone offer to be a "buddy" if I ever needed company.  That was surprising - but the really surprising part is that I actually considered it.

I almost forgot

How much music and lyrics play an important part in my life.

Just one of those days

When it feels like the world is out to get me, and I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I miss someone so bad it hurts, and I wish I had him around to talk to, or just be here. And not just anyone - but him. And a bad day at work - must be the almost full moon. That, or the fact I forgot to take a pill last night. Who knows, but I start to think when that happens. Probably bad that the meds make life bearable, but I do what I have to, right? They make me not feel, which isn't good, but it's definitely not bad. And then as I'm outside, I see planes flying overhead, and I want to be up there so bad I can taste it - but not just with anyone. When will this get easier? I thought it would start to happen, but it hasn't.

Ok, got that out. Needed that.

Fred of the Day, 10/18/11

She was cold :-)

Surreal

It's been a strange couple of days. I'm really excited about tomorrow.

Fred of the Day, 10/8/11

Ok, not Fred, but a good picture of the Barney-monster eyeing up the little snack dogs running around next door.

Quote of the Day 10/8/11

"The only way to live happily ever after is to do it one day at a time."
--Unknown

I guess I'm practical that way - at least for now. Sure, I have short and long term goals (if anyone would have ever thought enough to ask or even care about them), but I've been thrust into this living day by day mentality, mostly in order to keep my sanity :-)

Good day today

Maybe this is the start of more good days than bad? I really think that having done this whole break up thing once before, it would be easier this time. I know I can do it - all it takes is time.

Hard day today

It was his birthday.

Quote of the Day, 10/5/11

“If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.”
— Unknown

Not sure when I'll get to this point, but I'm sure I will eventually.

When will it change?

Why is he the first thing I think about whenever I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep? And sometimes he even invades my dreams.

I think I've been spoiled ....

Or else my standards are too high. I know after a recent experience that I need to be with someone I can have an intellectually stimulating conversation with (in addition to a significant number of other qualifications). I truly think that after the last three years, I've been ruined - I'm going to expect discussions and questions and conversations like I'd been having. He set a SUPER high bar to measure up to, and honestly, I enjoyed it.

Fred of the Day 10/2/11

Got a new camera (finally). This is one of the first shots, straight out of the camera. It's really a good camera - now all I have to do is get some good photo editing software (a computer that worked would probably help, too), and I'll be all set!

How .....

.... Do you tell someone you miss them, when they don't want to hear it?

I think you just have to learn to live with it, and hold it in, and just miss them silently.

The problem is that I've never been silent.

I'm just lonely. It's not that I don't have things I could do, or people to do them with .... But it's still easy to be in a room with a hundred people and miss the one person you want to be with. I was never scared of being alone -- but lonely is another story.

Just gonna be one of those days ....

Where no matter what I do to avoid thinking about it, I'm going to miss him. Sometimes it just hits me like a wave, and I can't escape it, so I guess I have to let it wash over me.

Fred of the Day 9/30/11

Ok, this isn't Fred, but I miss my Amelia-girl. So do Fred and Barney.

Gonna be interesting ...

All I can say is that I'm looking forward to this weekend.

Fred of the Day 9/29/11

I haven't done a Fred of the Day in awhile, and since I can't find any new ones, you get an oldie, but goodie.


That the perfect Fred look ..... Basically flipping me the mental finger for taking yet another photo.

Interesting conversations

When you get three people together who've been divorced, or had their hearts stomped on .....

Just eye-opening to get other people's perspective. I kept thinking about what I did in my past relationships, and realized that there are others out there who have the same ideas I do about stuff like this - that relationships take work, and couples are there for each other through the ups and downs - and most importantly, that I am who I am, and regardless if the past, there's someone out there who will want me for the person I am.