Thinking about the online dating thing, and when all I do is compare to you-know-who, it's not fair to someone new.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
I wish ....
That I could figure out how to get to sleep, and sleep well. Haven't been able to since we were in the same bed, and it's been almost 6 months.
That I could figure out how to stop thinking about him all the time. I want to - really. I just can't.
That I could figure out how to start dating. I don't want to. It feels like I would be disloyal to myself, knowing how I feel. I miss having someone around, but that's not a reason to go out with someone.
My body would stop wanting him. It's annoying sometimes. How can just a thought of him make me react?
That I could figure out how to stop thinking about him all the time. I want to - really. I just can't.
That I could figure out how to start dating. I don't want to. It feels like I would be disloyal to myself, knowing how I feel. I miss having someone around, but that's not a reason to go out with someone.
My body would stop wanting him. It's annoying sometimes. How can just a thought of him make me react?
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
It was a birthday .....
I always thought 40 would be a little more of a big thing .... maybe a beach celebration in a tropical locale, or a surprise party with 100 of my closest friends thrown by someone special. The stars just weren't in alignment or something this year so I grabbed a salad from the grocery store and ate dinner with the pups in front of the fire.
In 40 years, the most important thing I've learned that you can never take anything for granted, and even when you have amazing family and friends, you have to take care of yourself first. So I spent the day off of work sleeping in a little, playing with my dogs in the yard, doing a little laundry, running errands, and spending some 'me' time. Honestly, it was a little lonely, but I think it was just what I needed right now :-) I'm sure the next 40 years will be as much, if not more, of an adventure as the first.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
In 40 years, the most important thing I've learned that you can never take anything for granted, and even when you have amazing family and friends, you have to take care of yourself first. So I spent the day off of work sleeping in a little, playing with my dogs in the yard, doing a little laundry, running errands, and spending some 'me' time. Honestly, it was a little lonely, but I think it was just what I needed right now :-) I'm sure the next 40 years will be as much, if not more, of an adventure as the first.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, December 12, 2011
The Big 4-0
Not as big as I'd secretly hoped it would be. In fact, a little lonely. That's ok though, since I'll probably be getting used to it.
I look back, and I accomplished the losing weight, the getting a job, and the feeling better about myself before I hit this day. Go me! Yay! Then there's the whole being in a meaningful relationship thing.
I struggle with that. I want to be with someone ... But I don't want to date anyone who's not him. I predict I get super-bored over the holidays and start searching on Match. That makes me scared.
I look back, and I accomplished the losing weight, the getting a job, and the feeling better about myself before I hit this day. Go me! Yay! Then there's the whole being in a meaningful relationship thing.
I struggle with that. I want to be with someone ... But I don't want to date anyone who's not him. I predict I get super-bored over the holidays and start searching on Match. That makes me scared.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
It's been crappy
I haven't been this bad in a long, long time. Panic attacks, crying, doing stupid things and writing stupid emails. It's gotta end NOW.
Had my bankruptcy hearing today, so that will be done in 90 days. But gotta love TopGun .... Wants the car back, like next week. Is this some kind of last power play? Gotta put on my big girl panties and deal with it.
I'm so fortunate I have amazing friends. I feel so uncomfortable asking them for anything, but everyone is willing to help. Does that mean I'm pathetic, or that I have lots of people who love me?
Had my bankruptcy hearing today, so that will be done in 90 days. But gotta love TopGun .... Wants the car back, like next week. Is this some kind of last power play? Gotta put on my big girl panties and deal with it.
I'm so fortunate I have amazing friends. I feel so uncomfortable asking them for anything, but everyone is willing to help. Does that mean I'm pathetic, or that I have lots of people who love me?
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Once Again
It's just one of those days. I want to have a day where he's not the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing at night ... and every other minute in between. I really try to not think about him.
I want to be able to move on, but I'm not sure now to do it when all I still want is him.
I know it will come eventually, but the hard part is that I know he's working on it, and I'm not. I just don't want to, yet I really want someone in my life - but if it's not him, then I don't want that. I really just want intimacy.
On the other hand, I had someone offer to be a "buddy" if I ever needed company. That was surprising - but the really surprising part is that I actually considered it.
I want to be able to move on, but I'm not sure now to do it when all I still want is him.
I know it will come eventually, but the hard part is that I know he's working on it, and I'm not. I just don't want to, yet I really want someone in my life - but if it's not him, then I don't want that. I really just want intimacy.
On the other hand, I had someone offer to be a "buddy" if I ever needed company. That was surprising - but the really surprising part is that I actually considered it.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Just one of those days
When it feels like the world is out to get me, and I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I miss someone so bad it hurts, and I wish I had him around to talk to, or just be here. And not just anyone - but him. And a bad day at work - must be the almost full moon. That, or the fact I forgot to take a pill last night. Who knows, but I start to think when that happens. Probably bad that the meds make life bearable, but I do what I have to, right? They make me not feel, which isn't good, but it's definitely not bad. And then as I'm outside, I see planes flying overhead, and I want to be up there so bad I can taste it - but not just with anyone. When will this get easier? I thought it would start to happen, but it hasn't.
Ok, got that out. Needed that.
Ok, got that out. Needed that.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Fred of the Day, 10/8/11
Ok, not Fred, but a good picture of the Barney-monster eyeing up the little snack dogs running around next door.
Quote of the Day 10/8/11
"The only way to live happily ever after is to do it one day at a time."
--Unknown
I guess I'm practical that way - at least for now. Sure, I have short and long term goals (if anyone would have ever thought enough to ask or even care about them), but I've been thrust into this living day by day mentality, mostly in order to keep my sanity :-)
--Unknown
I guess I'm practical that way - at least for now. Sure, I have short and long term goals (if anyone would have ever thought enough to ask or even care about them), but I've been thrust into this living day by day mentality, mostly in order to keep my sanity :-)
Good day today
Maybe this is the start of more good days than bad? I really think that having done this whole break up thing once before, it would be easier this time. I know I can do it - all it takes is time.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Quote of the Day, 10/5/11
“If someone wants to be a part of your life, they’ll make an effort to be in it. Don’t bother reserving a space in your heart for someone who doesn’t make an effort to stay.”
— Unknown
Not sure when I'll get to this point, but I'm sure I will eventually.
— Unknown
Not sure when I'll get to this point, but I'm sure I will eventually.
When will it change?
Why is he the first thing I think about whenever I wake up, and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep? And sometimes he even invades my dreams.
Monday, October 3, 2011
I think I've been spoiled ....
Or else my standards are too high. I know after a recent experience that I need to be with someone I can have an intellectually stimulating conversation with (in addition to a significant number of other qualifications). I truly think that after the last three years, I've been ruined - I'm going to expect discussions and questions and conversations like I'd been having. He set a SUPER high bar to measure up to, and honestly, I enjoyed it.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Fred of the Day 10/2/11
Got a new camera (finally). This is one of the first shots, straight out of the camera. It's really a good camera - now all I have to do is get some good photo editing software (a computer that worked would probably help, too), and I'll be all set!
How .....
.... Do you tell someone you miss them, when they don't want to hear it?
I think you just have to learn to live with it, and hold it in, and just miss them silently.
The problem is that I've never been silent.
I'm just lonely. It's not that I don't have things I could do, or people to do them with .... But it's still easy to be in a room with a hundred people and miss the one person you want to be with. I was never scared of being alone -- but lonely is another story.
I think you just have to learn to live with it, and hold it in, and just miss them silently.
The problem is that I've never been silent.
I'm just lonely. It's not that I don't have things I could do, or people to do them with .... But it's still easy to be in a room with a hundred people and miss the one person you want to be with. I was never scared of being alone -- but lonely is another story.
Just gonna be one of those days ....
Where no matter what I do to avoid thinking about it, I'm going to miss him. Sometimes it just hits me like a wave, and I can't escape it, so I guess I have to let it wash over me.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Fred of the Day 9/29/11
I haven't done a Fred of the Day in awhile, and since I can't find any new ones, you get an oldie, but goodie.
That the perfect Fred look ..... Basically flipping me the mental finger for taking yet another photo.
That the perfect Fred look ..... Basically flipping me the mental finger for taking yet another photo.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Interesting conversations
When you get three people together who've been divorced, or had their hearts stomped on .....
Just eye-opening to get other people's perspective. I kept thinking about what I did in my past relationships, and realized that there are others out there who have the same ideas I do about stuff like this - that relationships take work, and couples are there for each other through the ups and downs - and most importantly, that I am who I am, and regardless if the past, there's someone out there who will want me for the person I am.
Just eye-opening to get other people's perspective. I kept thinking about what I did in my past relationships, and realized that there are others out there who have the same ideas I do about stuff like this - that relationships take work, and couples are there for each other through the ups and downs - and most importantly, that I am who I am, and regardless if the past, there's someone out there who will want me for the person I am.
Crappy Reason #63
Sleeping alone.
That is the ONE thing I miss the absolute most. I hate being in bed alone - no, not for THAT reason, but just because it's reassuring having someone next to you. I haven't slept well in months. It's just easiest to exhaust myself so that when I do go to bed, I fall asleep as soon as possible. I slept on the couch for a few weeks because I couldn't stand having a whole bed to myself.
Lesson Learned: While dogs are no substitute for a warm body, they certainly help, and dog hair can be vacuumed up.
That is the ONE thing I miss the absolute most. I hate being in bed alone - no, not for THAT reason, but just because it's reassuring having someone next to you. I haven't slept well in months. It's just easiest to exhaust myself so that when I do go to bed, I fall asleep as soon as possible. I slept on the couch for a few weeks because I couldn't stand having a whole bed to myself.
Lesson Learned: While dogs are no substitute for a warm body, they certainly help, and dog hair can be vacuumed up.
If it's my status on Facebook, it must be true.
I've finally updated my status on Facebook, so I guess I must be single. Honestly, I've known for a long time, but selfishly didn't want to admit.
So what does it mean? Just that I'm open to going out and having a blast, and loving my life for what it is.
As a matter of fact, I think I got set up on a date with someone for this weekend :-)
So what does it mean? Just that I'm open to going out and having a blast, and loving my life for what it is.
As a matter of fact, I think I got set up on a date with someone for this weekend :-)
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Crappy Reason #206
When you don't deal well with the sight of your own blood, and you cut yourself pretty bad on cheap Ikea furniture.
Sucks, especially when you get light-headed and need to keel over, but also have to manage to try to find a bandage and not drip blood all over the kitchen.
Lesson learned: Don't cut yourself.
Sucks, especially when you get light-headed and need to keel over, but also have to manage to try to find a bandage and not drip blood all over the kitchen.
Lesson learned: Don't cut yourself.
Crappy Things
Decided I want to be cynical .... Need to make light of the situation, and figured I have enough ammunition to do a "Crappy Reason #xxx about Living Alone" at least a few times a week.
Ok, I know I should balance it with a good reason for living alone, and I probably will - a pro/con list, if you will.
I've really never truly lived ALONE, because I can't count the time after Butkus and I split since I went back to a home I was totally familiar with, and had lived in for years.
This time, I was forced out (ok, because of the situation), into a house I don't want to be in. Everything I have around me is new and unfamiliar, and while it should be exciting, I can't quite get to that point. Hell, I've been here two months and haven't unpacked - I don't want to be here. And moving is expensive! Maybe it's just that I'm moving from TopGun's monster home into this teeny tiny space. Who knows .... But it's crappy :-)
Ok, I know I should balance it with a good reason for living alone, and I probably will - a pro/con list, if you will.
I've really never truly lived ALONE, because I can't count the time after Butkus and I split since I went back to a home I was totally familiar with, and had lived in for years.
This time, I was forced out (ok, because of the situation), into a house I don't want to be in. Everything I have around me is new and unfamiliar, and while it should be exciting, I can't quite get to that point. Hell, I've been here two months and haven't unpacked - I don't want to be here. And moving is expensive! Maybe it's just that I'm moving from TopGun's monster home into this teeny tiny space. Who knows .... But it's crappy :-)
Boy, do I sound bitter ...
Really, I'm not. I'm just working through this all. It sucks. But I'm stronger than I sound. Sometimes I question myself, and wonder what it is about me. Other times I just get angry and want to move on. Then it hits me square in the chest, and I can't breathe. Seriously, why do men leave me? I think I'm a pretty straight-forward, no drama kind of person. I'm smart, I'm capable, and I'm not terrible. Damn, that sounded all Jack Handy-ish. Sure, I have baggage, but I'm not a bad person, and it shouldn't be this hard to find someone to share my life with. All I want is someone to take care of, and who'll take care of me - and want me for who I am. Is this when I say that I miss what I had?
Yet, I've determined that I'm open to moving on, whatever that means right now. Why waste all this emotional and mental time on something I know is never, ever going to come back? I'm just going to live each day for what it is, and what it brings. Past experience has shown me that hoping and planning ahead doesn't accomplish crap. Hope is dead - living for the moment is all I have.
Yet, I've determined that I'm open to moving on, whatever that means right now. Why waste all this emotional and mental time on something I know is never, ever going to come back? I'm just going to live each day for what it is, and what it brings. Past experience has shown me that hoping and planning ahead doesn't accomplish crap. Hope is dead - living for the moment is all I have.
So nice ....
When the man you spent over three years of your life with just up and moves. Not really even any goodbye. I mean really, was he going to tell me? Don't I deserve the respect of at least a goodbye? Am I ever going to see you again? I thought we had just a little more than that. Guess I was wrong. I guess I didn't deserve that respect in his eyes. Pretty damn disappointing.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Am I turning a corner?
Or hitting a wall? Sometimes I'm not sure. Am I really working through this all, or am I just not processing it and filling my days with "fluff?" Is it the meds, or am I really starting to deal with it?
Monday, September 5, 2011
Quote of the Day, 9/5/11
"It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel." --Unknown
I think this is the story of my life the last few months. Even though he says he still loves me, and I believe him, the hurt is unbearable that he's moving away and I'm not going to share his life with him, sleep in his bed with him, help him organize his new home, get excited about setting up a new life with him. I understand why he's leaving, but it literally takes my breath away and I feel faint at the thought of him doing all this alone, or with someone else.
I think this is the story of my life the last few months. Even though he says he still loves me, and I believe him, the hurt is unbearable that he's moving away and I'm not going to share his life with him, sleep in his bed with him, help him organize his new home, get excited about setting up a new life with him. I understand why he's leaving, but it literally takes my breath away and I feel faint at the thought of him doing all this alone, or with someone else.
Ok, I'm really back!
So, it's been a tough last 6 months. I'll get to that later. As far as Project 40, the stress diet is working really good. My new favorite (single) hobby is shopping. Ok, not that I didn't do it before, but clothes fit wonderfully now. I've found a whole new confidence (that was really always there, but hid from me for a little while).
And I also have a job to dress for.
And I also have a house to shop for.
And I no longer have a significant other to cook for.
So, I'm almost 40, and where am I? Aside from being more depressed and anxious and panicky than I've ever been in my life (not even when I was going through my divorce was I this bad), I guess all I have to say is that I look good, and I have a great job - that hopefully I'll not screw up because I literally can't get out of bed or focus on.
Well, maybe I can get a box unpacked tonight, since I've been in here a month and I haven't done anything other than exist in here. Heartbreak is devastating - and I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time.
And I also have a job to dress for.
And I also have a house to shop for.
And I no longer have a significant other to cook for.
So, I'm almost 40, and where am I? Aside from being more depressed and anxious and panicky than I've ever been in my life (not even when I was going through my divorce was I this bad), I guess all I have to say is that I look good, and I have a great job - that hopefully I'll not screw up because I literally can't get out of bed or focus on.
Well, maybe I can get a box unpacked tonight, since I've been in here a month and I haven't done anything other than exist in here. Heartbreak is devastating - and I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
I'm back!
I figured now that the whole "it's cool to be a blogger" thing is pretty much done, I'll start up again.
I have one main reason for doing this, and I'm planning on calling it .... get this .... you're gonna love it ...... I think it's hokey, but I had to do something to get me motivated ...... Project 40!
Yeah, yeah, I'm turning 40 this year. I have about 9 months to get my sorry-ass life back in shape (ok, my sorry ass body and my sorry ass life). I figure - I could either have a baby in that time (NOT gonna happen), or spend it doing something more productive, like take care of myself and enjoy every minute of it :-) And yes, I know that once I actually get myself in shape and start to take care of myself, and make enough money to be able to support myself again (long story - damn, it's been along time since I've talked about my life), that TopGun is going to drop me like a hot rock, but I guess I need to do it anyway - this is all about me. If he actually decides to stay with me, it would be a positive - but I don't count on it - I think he's already mentally checked out of the relationship .....
Oh well ... until next time ....
I have one main reason for doing this, and I'm planning on calling it .... get this .... you're gonna love it ...... I think it's hokey, but I had to do something to get me motivated ...... Project 40!
Yeah, yeah, I'm turning 40 this year. I have about 9 months to get my sorry-ass life back in shape (ok, my sorry ass body and my sorry ass life). I figure - I could either have a baby in that time (NOT gonna happen), or spend it doing something more productive, like take care of myself and enjoy every minute of it :-) And yes, I know that once I actually get myself in shape and start to take care of myself, and make enough money to be able to support myself again (long story - damn, it's been along time since I've talked about my life), that TopGun is going to drop me like a hot rock, but I guess I need to do it anyway - this is all about me. If he actually decides to stay with me, it would be a positive - but I don't count on it - I think he's already mentally checked out of the relationship .....
Oh well ... until next time ....
