I haven't been this bad in a long, long time. Panic attacks, crying, doing stupid things and writing stupid emails. It's gotta end NOW.
Had my bankruptcy hearing today, so that will be done in 90 days. But gotta love TopGun .... Wants the car back, like next week. Is this some kind of last power play? Gotta put on my big girl panties and deal with it.
I'm so fortunate I have amazing friends. I feel so uncomfortable asking them for anything, but everyone is willing to help. Does that mean I'm pathetic, or that I have lots of people who love me?
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Once Again
It's just one of those days. I want to have a day where he's not the first thing I think about in the morning, and the last thing at night ... and every other minute in between. I really try to not think about him.
I want to be able to move on, but I'm not sure now to do it when all I still want is him.
I know it will come eventually, but the hard part is that I know he's working on it, and I'm not. I just don't want to, yet I really want someone in my life - but if it's not him, then I don't want that. I really just want intimacy.
On the other hand, I had someone offer to be a "buddy" if I ever needed company. That was surprising - but the really surprising part is that I actually considered it.
I want to be able to move on, but I'm not sure now to do it when all I still want is him.
I know it will come eventually, but the hard part is that I know he's working on it, and I'm not. I just don't want to, yet I really want someone in my life - but if it's not him, then I don't want that. I really just want intimacy.
On the other hand, I had someone offer to be a "buddy" if I ever needed company. That was surprising - but the really surprising part is that I actually considered it.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Just one of those days
When it feels like the world is out to get me, and I'm feeling sorry for myself, and I miss someone so bad it hurts, and I wish I had him around to talk to, or just be here. And not just anyone - but him. And a bad day at work - must be the almost full moon. That, or the fact I forgot to take a pill last night. Who knows, but I start to think when that happens. Probably bad that the meds make life bearable, but I do what I have to, right? They make me not feel, which isn't good, but it's definitely not bad. And then as I'm outside, I see planes flying overhead, and I want to be up there so bad I can taste it - but not just with anyone. When will this get easier? I thought it would start to happen, but it hasn't.
Ok, got that out. Needed that.
Ok, got that out. Needed that.
